I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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