I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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