don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
