well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
