im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
