just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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