Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
