somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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