ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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