nut hugger
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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