My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
