Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
