I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
