you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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