I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
