Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
