oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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