The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
