My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
did i just pee glitter
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