dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i was born a porn star she said
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
