zippers are such a cool invention
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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