DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Randomize
