i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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