Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
