he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
