She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
