so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
