I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
the condom got lost in my hair
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
