Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
