I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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