did you get engaged???
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Randomize
