so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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