If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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