I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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