why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
