Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
