Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
