Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize