Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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