you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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