Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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