The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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