My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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