Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize