omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
