my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
