I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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