ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
