I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
