Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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