she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
