just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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