Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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