nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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