i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
