I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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