I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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