I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
